Uggh…I’m So Frustrated! (Part 4)

A four-part blog series by Christian Counselor, Tonya Hedrick-Wells

Vague Agreements

Assumptions

Unrealistic Expectations

And, now…

Failure to Establish Boundaries

This can be a tough one because before you can establish a boundary you will first need to recognize where, when, how or with whom a boundary needs to be set.  Do you ever feel overwhelmed?  That there’s no time for a break? Taken advantage of? That people say and do things around you that you do not appreciate and wished they didn’t. Does it lead to resentment? Anger? Frustration?  If so, you very well may be experiencing the need to set a boundary.

Boundaries are different than walls in that they are established when we place a value on ourselves as well as others.  We throw up walls when we are afraid and shut people out completely.  A boundary is more like a picket fence where you have control of the gate. You can see and choose what you want to let in and what you want to keep out. You are the gatekeeper.

Solution

Become clear on what kind of boundary you need to set. If you are afraid to communicate your boundary, talk to a trusted friend or co-worker for support. Communicate your boundary and be prepared for any kind of response.  People who respect and care about you will more than likely respect your boundary.  People that are used to controlling and running all over you will not like it that you are setting a boundary.  In this case, they tend to escalate in their anger or control to make you second guess and back down. So, be prepared if this is an area that you truly want to stand your ground.

Communicating an expectation ahead of time is a good way of setting a boundary before someone violates an unspoken one.  For example, a co-worker, whom we’ll call Joe, stops by to chat for a moment and you are really busy.  This happens from time to time and you haven’t said anything yet and you find yourself getting frustrated.  You don’t want to hurt his feelings by being rude and at the same time you want to stay focused on your work.  What can you say?  First, get clear on what it is that you want.

Do you want Joe to stop in and said “hello” from time to time when your door is open?  Would you rather he not? Talk to Joe, it will just take a minute. For example, “Hey Joe, I know you like to come by and say hello when my door is open and sometimes that works for me and sometimes it doesn’t. I haven’t been honest with you when I am in the middle of something and really need to stay focused on my work. Here’s what I’d like to do from this point forward. If you see my door open and want to say “hi”, let’s do a check in first. If I can carve out a few minutes I will let you know. If I’m busy and need to stay focused I will let you know that too, and know that it won’t mean anything personal. How does that sound?”

A word of caution:  Setting boundaries is a good thing but it also comes with consequences.  For example, telling your supervisor “No!” because you feel overworked when he asks you to do something may have consequences that you will not like. If you feel that you need to set boundaries on the job it would be best to ask for time to discuss your situation with your supervisor using the communication skills we have discussed in parts one and two of this series.

I trust that this article was helpful to those who truly want to reduce their levels of frustration and stress.  It’s empowering to know that you can change the course of a stressful situation simply by changing the way you look at it and communicating differently.  As I hold up my Allspice Café` drink cup, I would like to propose a toast: May we value ourselves and others, have the courage to bring about a positive change and take responsibility for reducing the levels of frustration at work and at home. Cheers!

Where does a failure to set up boundaries show up in your life and work? 

Uggh…I’m So Frustrated! (Part 3)

A four-part blog series by Christian Counselor, Tonya Hedrick-Wells

Are you feeling frustrated? You’re probably making vague agreements. You’re probably making assumptions. And, Tonya addresses these two in the previous posts of this four-part series on frustration. Now, onto unrealistic expectations.

Unrealistic Expectations

My daughter could not have been more than four years old when I walked into the bathroom as she was preparing to take a bath and said something to her (cannot remember what it was) with an insinuating tone that suggested you know what I am talking about.  She heard the disappointment in my voice, waited until I was finished and very confidently said to me “But mom, you haven’t trained me how to do that yet!”  She had me.  She was right.  The very thing I expected her to know how to do and expected her to do, I had never shown her.

How many times do we get frustrated with ourselves or others because of an unrealistic expectation?  It is easy to have unrealistic expectations with our consumers too, isn’t it?  We become frustrated at the lack of rational thinking, the ability to maintain consistency in their recovery, or the unexplained mood swings. Or maybe you’re thinking “Consumers? Why this reminds of my co-workers and family”. Smile.

Solution

When you find yourself frustrated ask yourself: Am I frustrated because I have an unrealistic expectation of this person or myself?

Think about this: If I never learned how to tie my shoes growing up and today I am 42 years old and still have never learned to tie my shoes, you can get mad and frustrated with me all you want when you expect me to tie my own shoes but your frustration stems from having an unrealistic expectation and that’s not my issue. Isn’t that true for social and communication skills as well?  Another statement that I have clung to from my mother is this: She said, “Tonya the question isn’t ‘What is wrong with you?!’ but rather ‘What have you missed’?”  Stop for a minute and think about that.  Rather than come from a place of frustration and feeling better than recognize that the other person may have never developed the personal, social or technical skills you have an expectation of. Asking this question can help you shift from frustration to compassion, and when you are more compassionate you are in a better place to be a part of the solution.

Where are unrealistic expectations showing up in your life and work?

Uggh…I’m So Frustrated! (Part 2)

A four-part blog series by Christian Counselor, Tonya Hedrick-Wells

Yesterday, Tonya spoke on vague agreements. Today she talks about assumptions. Feeling frustrated? Read on.

Assumptions

We so want to have an answer for everything. We want to feel secure and if we don’t know the answer to something or about something, we make one up, in other words we assume. Does anyone remember the original Bad News Bears movie where the coach wrote the word ASSUME on the chalkboard and divided the word up teaching the kids what happens when we “assume”. For some reason I have never forgotten that.  And while we may not feel foolish every time when we assume it does lead to a lot of breakdowns in communication and relationships. Shoot, you can assume something that is so far from the truth and if allowed to continue it can ruin your whole day.

Solution

Ask for information.  When you don’t know, ask.  Just like clarifying agreements it may take time, effort and courage to ask for more information but its worth it and it can save you a lot of frustration and heartache.  It doesn’t mean that more information will necessarily provide you with the answer you want but at least you have a clear starting place from where to go.

I encourage you in the days and weeks to come take note of relationships and situations that you find yourself frustrated in and ask yourself, “Am I making an assumption?”  Or “Are we clear on who is doing what?”  Empower yourself to take action and gain clarity so that you know exactly what you are working with. In doing so your time and energy will be put to better use.

How are assumptions showing up in your life and business? 

Uggh…I’m So Frustrated! (Part 1)

A 4-part blog post by Christian Counselor, Tonya Hedrick-Wells MA

Part One

Uggh…I’m so frustrated!

Can anyone identify?  I believe all of us can recall times when we become frustrated or maybe you are one who feels like you live in a state of frustration. I’m reminded of a statement that my mother shared with me years ago, “When you live in the solution the problem goes away.” That may very well be a recovery statement as she worked in treatment centers for many years but it’s a statement that has helped me shift my focus and energy towards creating a solution rather than magnifying a problem.

Why do we become frustrated?  I can hear you already calling out the list of names that pop into your mind as well as blame circumstances and situations around you.  Our first tendency is to look “out there” isn’t it? But today I’m going to invite you to hold a mirror up to yourself and change the only person you have the power to change, you. Fair enough?  There may be more situations that set us up for frustration, but we will focus on four.

1) Vague Agreements

Have you ever asked someone to help you with something and you didn’t receive a clear answer?  Instead of gaining clarity you assumed that they will follow through on their weak, reluctant response.  Or maybe what you were asking for wasn’t coming across clear and they said “yes” to what they thought you asked but you were on two different pages. Then when the breakdown occurs what happens?

Solution?  To reduce our frustration it’s worth the time, effort and sometimes courage to obtain clear agreements from whom we are talking to. Courage? Yes, sometimes courage, as we can allow fear to prevent us from clarifying; fear of how they may respond or of getting a “no”.  Remember, last month we shared how clarity is power? That holds true when it comes to agreements as well.

So, how do vague agreements show up in your life and business? 

Leave a comment.

The Christian Coach as Soul Guide

Several years ago, I was taking a road trip to Chicago with my family and we stopped at a sticky-dive gas station to fuel up. I popped in the store to use the restroom and found a carousel of books that caught my eye. (Books always do!) So, I grabbed a few books and one of them has become a staple to my spiritual library; a book entitled Soul Guide: Following Jesus as Spiritual Director by Dr. Bruce Demarest.

Demarest defines spiritual guidance as any help given individually or in a group that advances the process of spiritual formation. He further states that spiritual guidance is the helping ministry that forms Christlikeness in us as we move through life on our journey of discipleship. The essential message of spiritual guidance is…together we’re going to pay prayerful attention to God’s gracious working in your life.

I had the opportunity a few years ago to work with a spiritual director and it has left its mark on my life and my work. Since then I’ve created and co-created Christian coaching curricula that likens the model of spiritual direction. (Ask me about Life Language and The Isaiah Principle if you are interested in learning more.) So, what is the role of the soul guide? The writer makes some important distinctions by introducing us to three models.

3 Types of Soul Guides

Spiritual Friendship

Spiritual friendship is the most basic ministry of spiritual guidance in which two or more friends—on a relatively equal basis—support, encourage, and pray for one another on their journeys. This informal ministry reflects the centuries-old “soul friend” tradition of Christianity. -Bruce Demarest

Biblical Example: David and Jonathon

Spiritual Counsel

Spiritual counsel refers to the occasional helping ministry in which a godly Christian offers focused help to another person who seeks to know God and His will. One may offer spiritual counsel through a personal conversation, letter, or sermon. -Bruce Demarest

Biblical Example: Eli and Samuel

Spiritual Direction

Spiritual direction is defined as the ministry of soul care in which a gifted and experienced Christian helps another persona to grow in relationship with and obedience to God by following the example of Jesus Christ. Henri Nouwen says: A spiritual director is not a counselor, a therapist, or an analyst, but a mature Christian to whom we choose to be accountable for our spiritual life and from whom we can expect prayerful guidance in our constant struggle to discern God’s active presence in our lives. -Bruce Demarest

Biblical Example: Jesus and His Followers

The Christian Coach as Soul Guide

As a Christian Coach, you find yourself in the ministry of soul care. Whether through the informal, unstructured, reciprocal relationships in long-term spiritual friendships or through your occasional role as spiritual counselor or perhaps even in the formal, structured, intensive role of spiritual direction. Once you label yourself as a Christian Coach, you will find that your clients expect you to invite Christ into your sessions. There is an expectation that you will coach them from a Biblical worldview. There is an expectation that you will pray for them and with them. And, what a privilege we have to do so!

But, an area of concern is warranted when a Christian Coach is not getting her own spiritual needs met through these types of relationships. God built us for relationship. There are far too many Christian Coaches who are not engaged in spiritual friendships, spiritual counsel, and spiritual direction. Not only do we have a responsibility to our clients to continue growing spiritually, it is His good pleasure (and ours) to grow in our relationship with our God.

So, let me ask you a few reflective questions:

• Who are your spiritual friends?
• From whom do you receive spiritual counsel?
• From whom do you receive spiritual direction?

My pastor often says: We all need a Paul and we all need a Timothy.

I agree with this statement. Do you? Who is your Paul? Who is your Timothy?

Leave a comment below. Go ahead…say something…or join our discussion on Facebook.

Four Words, Four Phrases

I attend a weekly Bible study on Wednesday evenings and we just completed a discussion on It’s Not About Me by Max Lucado. A quote was shared last night as we closed out this study that I would like to share with you:

Worship is the submission of all our nature to God. It is the quickening of conscience by his holiness; the nourishment of mind with his truth; the purifying of imagination by his beauty; the opening of the heart to his love; the surrender of will to his purpose-and all of this gathered up in adoration, the most selfless emotion of which our nature is capable and therefore the chief remedy for that self-centeredness which is our original sin and the source of all actual sin. -Max Lucado

Take a moment to re-read the quote. Take it in slowly, phrase by phrase and sit with it silently for a moment.

• The quickening of conscience by his holiness
• The nourishment of mind with his truth
• The purifying of imagination by his beauty
• The surrender of will to his purpose

Now, invite the Lord into it and ask him: How does this apply to my life? How does this apply to my business? 

Lucado describes worship as the submission of our nature to God and he gives voice to beautiful language on what this submission may look like to you and to me. And, the grande finale statement lies in it all being wrapped up in adoration. As pondered the phrases, I felt inspired to live in such a way. It’s a vision worthy of following. But, there’s more…

If you live in such a way, you will coach in such a way. 

Look at the final words in each of the four phrases: holiness, truth, beauty, and purpose. If I were teaching a workshop and these four words were brought to my attention, I would suggest that these are *core values* in the making. I don’t know if you’ve taken the time to define your mission statement and core values but this may serve as a guide for you and your business.

Defining your mission statement and core values is the foundation of your business. 

Have you done the work in defining? If so, share your mission statement and/or core values in the comment box.

A Simple Coach for a Cause Model

So, I coach for a cause and this is how I do it.

Actually, before I show you my model, let me say give you a prelude to the Christian Coach and the Coach for a Cause movement. What is the *cause* exactly? Here’s the easy answer:

The main and the plain of the Coach for a Cause movement by the Christian Coach is Christ and Him crucified. 

In other words, it’s the message of the gospel. Taking on every form. And, specifically in our case through coaching. This never changes. As I said…it’s the main and the plain. It’s the central theme to who we are and what we do. However, don’t be surprised when God begins doing a supernatural work in you and you begin to care deeply about other issues; perhaps social issues. You have the seed of justice planted in you and God will water it.

Sometimes God will impress something so deeply on your heart that you simply cannot turn your eye from it. 

You must do something. Not talk about it. Not think about it. But do something. And, you can use your business to do so. This is the Coach for a Cause movement and this is how it started for me. Several years ago, I was watching a piece on TV about the prevalence of sexual slavery in the world; women and children being sold into the slave market. And, it made me sick…and mad. Very mad, in fact. (Anger put to good use, I might add.) So, the wheels began turning in my head and I thought:

What if I could use my business to fight the war against sexual slavery? 

So, here’s what I did.

I was doing some coaching work with a company offering group coaching to my clients 3 times per month by phone. I would hold virtual and live events to give my prospects a taste of coaching and enroll them into my program. Each time a new client enrolled, I donated 100% the profits from their registration fee to RescueLIFE. In other words, I found an organization that is doing the work that I personally am not cut out to do and chose to support their cause. Their cause became my cause. And, it was part of my presentation with each event that I held.

So, here is a simple HOW-TO for you:

1. Choose the cause you want to support and find an organization that you believe in and partner with them.
2. Decide in your heart how much you want to donate to your cause through your business.
3. Create a Powerpoint presentation of your coaching content and include information about your cause.
4. Reach out to individuals, organizations, businesses and offer to present your content for free.
5. Book the workshop and teach it.
6. Enroll clients into your private or group coaching program.
7. Donate the amount you’ve decided in your heart to your cause.

This simply one Coach for a Cause model I have used. As my business changes and evolves other models will come into play. But, I think it’s a decent model and if you’re looking for a way to start it then this may help guide you. If you’re serious about adding the Coach for a Cause component to your business then you will likely have questions about these 7 steps and there is nothing I’d rather talk about so ask.

Leave a comment below or ask your question. Go ahead…say something…or join the discussion on Facebook.

Coach for a Cause

So, last week I made a post on Facebook, as follows:

I have a friend who has a ministry where she accepts donations for her work. She refuses to call it a business because she wants to “glorify God with her gifts” and apparently business and God do not mix. But, when she receives a lower donation than expected, she gets mad. If this sounds like you then you have two options:

1) Pray for the grace to be a cheerful giver and give cheerfully.
2) Start charging for your services and call a spade a spade. You have a coaching business.

Then, rest in the fact that God is in your business and wink back when He winks at you. Well, a post on Facebook is typically short and to the point but perhaps there is another option.

What if you chose to use your coaching business as a catalyst to pour into the kingdom of God…financially? 

I’m not talking about your tithe though it’s a good starting place. I am talking about you and your business and God and His kingdom. I’m talking about a decision of the heart; a decision that matters to God. Make no mistake: money is an issue of the heart.

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to an old friend on the phone and she shared with me that her boss mentioned adding her as a partner in his business. And, she responded:

I don’t think I have what it takes to be an entrepreneur. My primary gift is giving.

I couldn’t resist responding:

If your primary gift is giving then why wouldn’t you consider partnering in a business? 

Now, this may or may not be God’s will for her life. I don’t know. But, here’s what I do know. Those with the *gift of giving* are often led to entrepreneurship. They earn to give. Sometimes they earn big to give big. And, I love it. There is something that leaps in my spirit when I witness business owners impacting the kingdom of God. Perhaps, it’s time for a shift:

What if you were designed to be a missionary in the marketplace?

I’ve chosen this route by the grace of God and launched the Coach for a Cause movement to help reach, rescue, and restore women and children from the bondage of sexual slavery through a partnership with RescueLIFE. This cause is very important to me and it’s an integral part of my business; even central.

Maybe it’s time for a new paradigm for you and your business. 

Martin Luther King, Jr. said: Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. What matters to you? Perhaps it’s time to make it a priority in your business. Perhaps it’s time to make it central to your business.

Perhaps it’s time for you to Coach for a Cause, too. 

Would you like to learn how? Leave a comment below. Go ahead…say something.

The 7 Pillars of Society and the Christian Coach

Here’s the lie: As a Christian Coach, your area of influence is limited to the church.

Do you believe the lie? 

I watched an interview this morning on Life Today with Buddy Pilgrim, the man behind Pilgrim’s Pride. (Think #2 in the chicken industry. By chicken, I mean poultry not coward.) Here is a man committed to building big business and through the level of success he has achieved in the business world, he is a man of influence.

Influence matters.

I spend a fair amount of time praying for the influencers of the world and here’s my confession: I spend more time praying for the influencers outside of the church rather than inside the church. I look at people like Buddy Pilgrim who are committed to God and committed to business and think:

You really can build a business for the glory of God. 

But, it’s not limited to business. As the matter of fact, let me draw your attention to the 7 pillars of society:

• Government
• Family
• Business
• Media
• Education
• Religion
• Arts & Entertainment

As we continue our discussion on your message, your market, and your method, I’d like to pose a question for you:

What if God is calling you to a pillar of society outside the church? 

I mean, let’s face it. We live in all these pillars and we can have influence in the pillars outside of religion. There is a leap in my spirit when I see Christians influencing society. This is good. This is good. This is good. I repeat it 3 times to make the point. There is a lot of lip service given to stepping outside the four walls of the church but until we really believe it, we won’t take the risk. Here’s the reality:

It’s safer for the Christian Coach to remain in her Christian circle than to step into another pillar.

But, who says God is calling us to safety?

Now, let me say this: God bless our pastors, teachers, leaders in the church. I don’t know what I would do without them. And, yes…God bless the Christian Coach who remains in the pillar of religion and influences the church. If God has called you to serve in this capacity then so be it. Amen. Selah. Period.

But, let’s keep in mind that Jesus said: Go. Go and make disciples. Go where? Into the pillars of society? Well, this seems reasonable to me. So, let me encourage you this day as you are defining your niche as a Christian Coach. Pray for the pillars, pray for the people of influence in these pillars, and pray that you may be a woman of influence.

Pray. Pray. Pray.

And, let’s just see where God may guide you.

Question: What pillar of society could you possibly be a woman of influence? 

Leave a comment below. Go ahead…say something…or join the discussion on Facebook.

Coaching In Color

So, yesterday we were talking about the 3 Ms: your market, your message, your method and one of our Pink Ladies commented that she was still discerning her coaching *style* which I thought was an interesting choice of words. And, on March 31st I am hosting a Praying In Color ladies luncheon. So, I got to thinking about the event and her question and sort of mingled the two together.

I’m calling it Coaching In Color. 

I’m not sure exactly what she meant by *style* but I was intrigued so I asked a question on our Facebook page:

What is the color that best describes you and why? 

Then I followed it up with another question:

What color best describes your coaching style?

Hmmm…I never thought about it but seems like a good start. Plus, it’s fun. So, I did a quick search on Google and found an article that might be of interest to you.

Click here to read the article on Color Psychology.

Then, I got to thinking about the authenticity of your coaching style. I mean…what if you picture yourself as a Blue Coach but you’re really a Red Coach? Or, what if you’re a Purple Coach and all your clients are Green Clients? Perhaps, you will feel a bit of a disconnect and not really know why. Or maybe the old theory of opposites attract applies. I’m not sure. Never really thought about it until today.

So, do some exploration of Coaching In Color. It may not only help you define your style but give you clues as to how your want to present yourself as a coach.

If you think this might be a cool tool then leave a comment. Go ahead…say something…or join our talk on Facebook.